I'll be honest
First I miss my oven. I really don’t mind the taxi trek to the grocery store, or the food getting stolen, or the locks on the fridge; but I miss having an oven. A bunch of South African friends brought us all food to res on campus (man was is good!) but I wish I had an oven to return the favor. I cook for myself at home, but my best recipies are all made in an oven. Here the stove is used most often for meats and curries, pap, potatotes, and rice. But I really want to make brownies for my friends here who have never tasted them, they’ve been so kind to me. I can now proudly say I can cook with masala and peri peri, and make beans curry. Yummy. And a far cry from my normal Californian salad and sushi and whole grains diet. But besides all that there is something I miss a whole lot more, and not for myself.
Because of the crime rate here, most of my good friends are not allowed to drive at night (if at all). Many of the girls are never allowed to drive the car on their own, nor will the ever be able to live on their own. Especially for women this place is scary. I really don’t feel in danger, but I worry for the wonderful people I’ve met here. I get to go back to the comfort of knowing I will always have a job in some form, can always make money and live securely, can live on my own without being married. Some students here wait 4 years after getting their degree for a job (and they are the extremely blessed ones who could afford to attend University). This very nice law student asked me when I was going to start my family because I can’t live in my parent’s house forever. He was shocked to find out that in the states that I don’t live at home; other than living at the university that is simply not something that is done here. The degrees of freedom and opportunity I have as a woman are exponentially greater by simple virtue of my American nationality. The very sweet girls I’ve met here are missing out on some of the freedoms and independence I cherish in my own life. I’ve realized how lucky I am. Growing up in a world where being a girl only meant I could wear dresses, I was always told I could be whatever I wanted to be, to do whatever I wanted to do. I never felt hindered by my gender. But it’s a different story here. Different expectations, different rules. Another American friend who cannot cook was told she will be worthless as a wife if she doesn’t learn. Some of the things I’ve learned from the girls on my floor have been simply unbelievable too.
I’ve seen some tough stuff since I’ve been here, it runs deep for South African women. I’ll be honest, I’ve held a friend's hand while she got an HIV test after making a mistake with a guy here. That was a very intense appointment, but thank GOD she’s negative. Its scary, because the same issues that are troublesome at home, are life threatening here. Take the night I learned about cheating: after telling the girls I would never put up with a guy who cheated on me or hit me, they were shocked at my attitude. They couldn’t believe that I would end a relationship just because of that. The girls said guys mess up, its a simple fact of life. As the conversation continued, I realized that I have a kind of cultural confidence in the fact that I don’t deserve treatment like that, and I won’t stand for it. Here, I’ve watched women get worked over time and again. The girls told me a story about their good friend whose boyfriend has been cheating for the past three years. It gets worse, but I’ll leave that all alone, its just the norm for those girls. The point being that women here have different situations in relationships, in jobs, and in life simply based on their gender. I’ve been told stories about women who have been given the choice between performing a sexual favor for a boss, or being denied a job. It’s a simple reality here. The practice of wearing a female condom at night if one has to walk home or go out is not at all far fetched, some of my friends openly do it and support it. If anyone wonders why the HIV/AIDS rate is the highest in the world here, they should look at the gender inequality issues of this country (and KZN in particular).
Growing up in a place and time and family where I was cherished as a female, I had learned about women’s rights movements of the past. But I had never experienced what they were fighting against. I’ve told my dad that sometimes being in this developing nation feels like stepping 40 or 50 years (or more) into the past, and women’s issues in South Africa are one of the reasons why.
Yet, it is beautiful the way this “rainbow nation” is trying to progress on the subject. Even my varsity has a Millenium Women campaign. UKZN (University of KwaZulu-Natal) was formerly the University of Natal. During apartheid the university was split into segregated campuses (one for Indians, one for whites, etc) the campus I now attend (Howard College campus) was the best academically, and ironically was the campus for white men. The University became color heterogeneous even before it began accepting women. The fact that so many women attend here is a testament to the way South Africa has changed. Those “Millenium Women” of my generation are the first to reap the benefits of the freedom fight and will be those that bring about greater changes in South Africa and the whole world. What beautiful and wonderful women they are! With just over a month left here in SA, its going to be hard to leave the fantastic friends I’ve made, of all races, religions, and genders!
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